1969 - ASM #69 - Spanish Fly

Appropriate for the year and issue number, check this sucker out:

No, not the flashlight. Why would you possibly think that I'd want you to pay attention to the item advertised that takes up 2/3rds of the entire page. No, check out the bottom left.

It's an aerosol can of Spanish Fly. For fishing.

What this has anything to do with flashlights is beyond me.

"Aroma-like perfume attracts both male and female fish by working on the forces that control life itself." Now, if this product is actually what I think it is, it seems to simply be some fish pheromones, deer and game versions of which have been used by hunters to attract their prey. But if it was really Spanish Fly (the aphrodisiac, not the fly-fishing show on ESPN), while it does cause arousal in certain animals, not only am I pretty sure it doesn't work on fish, Spanish Fly induces an irritation in the genitals that stimulates erection, but as far as I know it doesn't create attraction on its own.

It's not like you become a bonered horndog when a tablet of Viagra enters your line of sight.

But seriously, my big question is:

"Why is there an image of a cannon on the can?" Either these guys have completely mixed up their sexual metaphors, or they have absolutely no idea how sexual attraction works, especially for fish.

Appeared in Amazing Spider Man #69, February 1969. The Age of Aquarius, as it were, and exactly 15 years before I was born.

1968 - ASM # 63 - Forbidden Oriental Fighting Arts

Wallace W. Reumann, master of SUPER KARATE, wants to teach you the martial arts that the Gooks, and most importantly, other martial arts instructors selling xeroxed martial arts pamphlets, don't want you to know!

Not only will your booklet contain MOVIE STILL PHOTO TECHNIQUE (aka they filmed the moves, grabbed frames from the film, and printed them in the book. Lemme say again what this means: this book has pictures.), BUT you will also receive a "certificate of proficiency" included in your booklet, for you to fill out, only after you truly feel that you've mastered the forbidden arts.

I think this guy wants to raise an army of scrawny teens that fought people using the lambada.

Appeared in Amazing Spider Man #63, August 1968.

1968 - ASM # 56 - Real - Quote - Good - Unquote Products

A twofer today. First is this ad that seemed to sell you sharp suits original obtained from a pawnshop... which means who knows which 1930's gangster had worn this originally, how often, and how much dry cleaning it took to get the blood out.

This next ad seems to think not only that ladies read comic books like "Spider Man versus Ka-Zar" (as the comic that these ads appeared in featured),  but that they would be the kind of ladies that would care about how long and dainty their nails looked. And here I was certain that comic book advertisers were masters of their demographics.

BUT the reason I chose to put these two ads together is the now hilarious usage of quotation marks in both. Now, I understand that the sarcastic implication of surrounding something in quotes probably wasn't ubiquitous in 1968, but viewed in a modern context, could you not just envision some thoroughly evil businessmen rubbing their hands together and cackling maniacally as they envisioned you "well-dressed," and "possess"-ing long nails.

Both ads appeared in Amazing Spider Man #56, February 1968.

1968 - ASM #56 - Missile Firing Tank

 Ironically-named Honor House Products advertised products similar to this "missile-firing tank" like submarines and spaceships, all of which claimed to be life-sized (or life-sized for a kid), with many functional features for endless hours of fun for you and your friend.

Exemplifying the can-do and can-kill attitude that hadn't completely been eradicated by the coming cynicism of the American people, apparently these products were fiberboard kits that you were to assemble yourself.

Surprisingly little evidence as to the actual quality of these advertised products exists even on the internet, past the novelty of the ads themselves, but surprisingly enough a photo of the actual "Polaris Submarine," another advertised Honor House product, shows what seems to be a decent product to while away a child's afternoon, at least if you can assemble it before it rained.

Amazing Spider Man #56, January 1968.