"Hi kids, sit down, we need to talk. As I'm sure you've been hearing rumors for a while now, your daddy Sam and I have decided to get a divorce. I know this is really sad, but given the way things have been recently, we decided this is the best thing to do. We'll always have those fond memories back in 2002 and 2004, though, right?"
"Oh, also, I promise you'll have a brand new, hotter dad real soon, cause I'm gonna start dressing like a cougar!"
"Now come and give your momma Sony a kiss."